The Messaging Misadventures of Mart Belden
by Maeve of Winter
Summary: Mart tries (and fails) to sext Diana. Humor fic.


The build is sleek, the screen is shiny, and all surfaces are smooth. This new phone, given as a gift for his high school graduation, is a beauty, and Mart's already spent a significant amount of time admiring it. But now is a time for action, not spectating; he's imported his contacts list, and it's time to break the new phone in.

With a smirk, Mart sends his first text of the new phone to Diana.

 _ **Mart:** Hey, how's it going, sweetie, little baby?_

May autocorrect die a fiery, painful death. Scowling and wondering how he can switch off the overly aggressive word replacements, Mart quickly fires off an amendment.

 _ **Mart:** That's supposed to say "sexy, lovely babe." No one calls anyone "sweetie, little baby" for this kind of stuff. :P_

Eager for a response, Mart leans forward, his gaze fixed on the screen of his phone. When it buzzes in his hands, he can't suppress a yelp of delight.

 _ **Diana:** That's okay. I thought it was funny. You're funny. :)_

Mart's heart swells. She thinks he's funny . He quickly replies to Diana. Well, he tries to reply to Diana.

 _ **Mart:** :) You're funny, sweet, charming, and gorilla._

 _ **Mart:** * government, not gorilla._

 _ **Mart:** * gorgeous, not government or gorilla, sorry about that!_

Autocorrect can go to hell, seriously. Relieved to have fixed the situation, Mart relaxes momentarily, only to be thrown into a panic when his phone vibrates and he sees the text he's received.

 _ **Ben Riker:** Thanks, Mart. You're not half bad yourself, even if you are no me._

How in the world did that text get sent to Ben instead of Di? Fingers moving at the speed of light, Mart ensures that this time, his text goes to its intended recipient.

 _ **Diana:** What a gentleman!_

 _ **Mart:** Well, you are one beautiful lady. ;)_

Putting his hands behind his head, Mart basks in pride. Sure, he may have had a few missteps along the way, but now he's got this sexting thing in the bag.

 _ **Dot Murray:** Thanks, Mart! Congrats on your HS graduation!_

What is happening? How is he mistakenly sending texts to the wrong person, time after time? Resolving to do something to change the current system settings, Mart definitively transmits the text to Diana.

 _ **Diana:** Want to know what this beautiful lady is wearing right now?_

A blush creeps over Mart's features. Damn, Diana is good at this.

 _ **Mart:** Tell me what you're wearing._

 _ **Tad Webster:** Jeans, T-shirt, and sneakers. Why? Do you need my help to rescue Trixie from somewhere?_

With a groan of frustration, Mart again reroutes the text to Diana.

 _ **Diana:** What do you want me to be wearing?_

 _ **Mart:** I dream about you in a leather corset. With Reddi-Wip._

 _ **Linnie Moore:** I can't even begin to tell you how unrequited your feelings are, no offense._

Cringing, Mart offers a half-hearted explanation to Linnie and repeats his request to Diana.

 _ **Diana:** Cherry lip gloss, gingko perfume, and . . . a bow._

Wow. Mart can feel himself heating up. This conversation is going places.

 _ **Mart:** So, where did you put your bow? ;)_

 _ **Jim:** I moved all my archery stuff from the clubhouse to the garage because we were running out of room. Remember to use proper safety precautions with the arrows!_

Resisting the temptation to use all his strength to hurl his phone against the wall, Mart ensures this text goes to Diana.

 _ **Diana:** I'll leave that to your imagination. ;)_

Playing hard to get, is she? Mart will just have to kick his game up a notch.

 _ **Mart:** You know, gingko is said to be a natural aphrodisiac._

 _ **Jane Morgan:** Very nice, Belden. But I'm working on a science fair project right now, and unless this is related to that, I don't really care._

Ugh, the last thing he needs right now is for Dan to think he's hitting on his ex. Swiftly messaging Jane with an apology, Mart tries his hand at another text to Diana.

 _ **Mart:** What are you doing tonight?_

 _ **Diana:** Resting mostly. I've been hitting the gym a lot lately, and my muscles are so sore._

 _ **Mart:** I could give you a massage. Or we could make a bubble bath for two._

 _ **Jerry Vanderhoef:** Hard no to both of those, not even gonna lie._

Fighting the urge to grind his teeth, Mart makes sure he messages Diana.

 ** _Diana:_** _You sure you're up to it? Massages can get intense. All that grabbing. ;)_

 _ **Mart:** I wouldn't mind giving you a massage. You have a great body._

 _ **Ned Schultz:** Hey, thanks, Mart. You, too!_

Resending the message to Diana, for about the billionth time. The phone manufacturer is going to get one hell of an irate letter from him, to say the least.

 _ **Diana:** Tee-hee. "Afternoon Delight" just began playing on the radio. Talk about coincidence._

God, men really are from Mars, and women truly are from Venus. Time to cut the romantic crap and be direct.

 _ **Mart:** I can't wait to have sex with you._

 _ **Dan:** GODDAMN IT, Mart. In case it's slipped your mind, there's a REASON we broke up._

Whoops. That's a can of worms Mart definitely doesn't want to open right now.

Fingers flying faster than a peregrine falcon, Mart sends an apology to Dan, and then hits the touchpad button to call Diana. He didn't expect to have to resort to antiquated methods, but it looks like they'll just have to do phone sex the old-fashioned way.

* * *

 **Jixemitri Series 1, #11 CWP Elements:**

Carryover item from CWP #1: the mention or appearance of a secondary character in the books: Tad Webster, Linnie Moore, Dot Murray, Jerry Vanderhoef, Ned Schultz, Jane Morgan, and Ben Riker.

Someone blushing: Mart.

Leather corset with Reddi-Wip: Mart dreams of Diana with these, as he tells Linnie.

Cherry lip gloss: Diana is wearing it.

A bow (placement optional): Diana is also wearing one of these, though she doesn't tell Mart where.

A massage (mentioned): Mart offers to give one to Ned Schultz.

A bubble bath for two: Mart hints at taking one with Diana.

A natural aphrodisiac: gingko/Diana's gingko perfume.

Term of endearment: "Sweetie, little baby," which Mart accidentally calls Diana.

An unexpected phone call: Mart has to make a call to Diana at the end, which he didn't expect.

The song "Afternoon Delight": it's playing on the radio when Diana is texting Mart.


End file.
